Welcome to My Mind

-I made a mixtape for you for 2020. Please sample songs as you will:
https://drive.google.com/drive/folders/1d6vDEqiAAthnIgPI52_CYMSeNiNzaIgR?usp=sharing
I hope you like them.

-My D and D group for some reason has latched on to the idea of chugging a gallon of milk for this session. They were aware that this was an old internet challenge and that a normally smart party member had done this. So now they just keep asking if any monsters have milk and keep threatening the DM with the fact that their characters will butt chug milk just to spite him. We are doctors, teachers, social workers and game designers. We are adults.

-One day I swear I will play with my D and D group in person. We have members in Canada and scattered throughout the USA. After the pandemic, we want to one day meet each other.

-I am doing better overall. My body still hurts but I am mentally better.

-That being said, another friend died today. That makes 4 this year. Somehow the fights with friends hurt worse but it was still a great shock. She was always in and out of the hospital, but now she is dead before 30.

-Been watching my roommate play Cyberpunk 2077. It is a bit glitchy, but I super love the game so far. It is gritty and awful but I love it. It is fun for me to watch even though I have not gotten to play yet.

-Been also severely digging Breath of the Wild. The game is fucking massive and I spend so much time exploring.

-Still processing the massive dump Marvel and Star Wars made on the tenth. Holy shit. We are going to be swimming in nerd things and I am hyped.

Life in bullet points:
-Coming out of the far side of depression. It made me heavy and silent for a while. I am now regaining speech.

-Finishing a short story about a slasher, but this time the killer is a serial killed is a schizophrenic.

-I may have a boy thing now? Honestly I am not sure about it. Like I know he is into me but I am still figuring out how I feel about him. It's the most progress I made romantically in years though so at least that counts for something. The only downside is now all the trash from years past is surfacing up and part of me really misses having more of my personal space.

-Got hardcore into Good Omens. To be honest, I have been into it for ages but with the new TV show there was a renewed interest. So I am part of a Big Bang for it. It is a challenge to write Aziraphale and Crowley, even though I have been familiar with them before.

-Saw the new Star Wars movie. I loved it, really.

-Gonna try to catch up with everything on this plane.

So now that my brain is made of less lightning I suppose I will have a good ramble about punk rock culture. It is something I have a lot of thoughts on and was recently brought up by someone who is currently involved with the trans aspect of that community.

For background, I have pretty much always been around punk rock culture. My youngest-oldest brother was heavily involved in it since the CBGBs days back when that was still a thing in NYC. He was even photographed and kind of taken is as younger mascot by the people. My youngest-oldest brother is ten years older than me and even though he is/was not always in the same country as me the stories he told me stuck around. My mother listened to various forms of rock, including punk and pop-punk, and we never listened to little kids music growing up. My dad was a hippie, which were the punks of the era he was youthful.

As I grew up I surface got along with punks. I was never against them, but there were some supremely worrying traits I saw in the subculture that made me not go all in. My youngest brother, who is 2 years younger than me, got heavily into it but then transferred to hardcore rather than punk.

Which is all a very long winded way to say that I have been around the culture for decades and seen it rise and fall in several different ways even beyond that which my own age group was involved in.

So I was talking with my friend, I will call her Jordan. She is younger than me by about ten years, so that means she is now branching into punk culture for the first time but in this aspect she is in the trans-punk culture which actually takes the worst aspects of both gay and punk culture and combines them. She is t4t which means that she thinks that trans women need to look out for trans women above all else. On the surface this would seem to be healthy, a camaraderie that you can trust when all the world betrays you is the base of any punk culture. You do petty crimes, you trauma bond, and it is you against the world bound together with music. However there are three problems that get in the way, at least the main problems.

However much like the punk culture of the 80s, that comes with some very problematic aspects. See you need to support them no matter what. There are rapists and abusers that thrive, but you can't reject them because they are totally sorry and if you go against them then you are the one creating dissent in this cohesive group. There are alcoholics that need help and you are expected to help them out and pick them back up every time even if it hurts you and tears you apart. You are expected to sacrifice everything for a stranger in this group, without any concern for the self, because you are all part of one community and the world already hates you so why make it tougher on you? This of course is not sustainable as you get older, as I have witnessed in every generation of punks, but you can't really tell people within these
communities that this is bad as it only reinforces their worldview that the world is out to get them. And the thing is, it isn't coming from a bad place. Giving people with no other option a place to go is fantastic. However there is a latent expectation of you removing any of your boundaries in an attempt to be more open minded and "free".

Ah but I also said gay culture. You see gay culture, though it is now changing, had similar aspects to punk culture in the 80s. There was a presumption of polyamory and of sleeping around, that you kind of had to or you wouldn't be a part of the culture, that Jordan's subculture has taken on. You are more evolved if you are with more people, not like those normie squares. This may work for some, but the pressure to behave like this actually hurts quite a few people even to this day. (My gay dude friends trying to find one dude to settle down with bitch to me a lot about this). I am not saying you can't be with multiple people, but you are not more enlightened for doing so.

There is also, as was/is common with the punk/gay subculture, a lot of drug use and alcoholism that is expected and accepted. Even when it hurts people a blind eye is turned to it by those within the community as they go "well they are going through a tough period of life, so it's okay." If it follows the pattern of the previous subcultures, this will only curtail itself when there are massive strings of ODs and deaths. When the youth no longer realize they are immortal. They use the same needles for "stick and poke" tattoos without thinking of blood infections.

I wish I had a solution, but considering the fact that punk has been toxicly codependent and substance addicted from its inception I don't think it will change now. I suppose I would hope they would get wiser than my generation and the generation before it, but that was only wishful thinking.

I also wish that this current iteration would be less wrapped up in aesthetic and more with actual poltical change, like the very first punks in the factories were supposed to be. It was never about mohawks and leather jackets then. It was about punching people in the face til some change happened. It worked too. They got factory reform.

I do hope that makes sense. Any of you have thoughts on punk rock culture? Anything you want me to elaborate on.

Life so far:

-Been contemplating the balance between law and ethics over the past day or so. What is legal is not always good. There are several things that are legal that are not ethically good. This is done very much on purpose. For example, it is legal for the KKK to meet. The reason is very clear. Because you can't make laws abridging that which is abhorrent to society, otherwise you end up doing a lot of damage to marginalized groups that the laws would be exploited to work against. Basically the same laws that keep the KKK running are the same laws that let niqab dressed Muslim women or lesbians meet even in the middle of the deep south.

Even if society sees them as being "harmful" they are still allowed to meet. The only requirement for legality is that they are not compelling people to hurt others through direct action. (ex. You can say, these people are inhuman, but you cannot tell them to beat up "inhuman" people). So that is where the law gets murky. However ethically I cannot say that allowing such hate is always a good act. I get why legally it has to be that way, however it is very painful to see the amount of hate and violence that is heaved upon people as well as the actual violence because now they feel "liberated" and do not fear persecution for their behavior. (The KKK is the one that affects and effects my friends the least as they have like one branch in my state, but I am not getting flagged for bringing up the actual hate groups that most of my friends need to be worried about. I've got friends getting beaten up, having their houses vandalized, and some that are currently being stalked by PBs and NNs which is what led me down this pathway of thought.)

What is good is not always legal. For example if you are trained in CPR and try to save someone without asking for consent first, you are doing something illegal and can potentially get sued. However there are few people who would object to you saving their lives in a rush, even if it is illegal that you do so. I sometimes wonder why laws got to this state, but I get why. It is time and the human element of chaos. Beginning laws are always vague, but the second someone messes up in a big way they change the laws. It's kind of like when you see specific rules in buildings like "you must wear underwear" or "please do not set the houseplants on fire". The reason is because someone messed up in a big way and then they needed to make counterintuitive laws/rules to deal with it.

I hope that at least made some sense.

-Saw three meteors last night. There was a lovely meteor shower. I went in the backyard with my rocking chair and sat with a cup of tea in my lap, watching the stars. I only wish I lived in a place with less light pollution. I miss the stars where I used to live, but there's no undoing that now.

-I might have drank too much tea and now my brain is electric. I apologize if this seems incoherent or rambling.

-I have been learning more about punk culture, but right now my brain is too scattered to make sense of my thoughts regarding that. I feel both love and hate for punk culture, but for very different reasons.

-Got sent into a bit of a tizzy lately. Someone grave dug up a private message from ten-eleven years ago. This would normally just be enlightening/amusing, but this one had a dead friend on it. So I got a bit sad from that. I mean it is good to see an unvarnished version of him and be reminded of when we were 19 and careless, but also heavy because he will never be older than 25. These memories are all I have of him.

Here is my life so far:
-I worry a lot about money. I realize everyone does this, but lately the crushing weight of poverty has been crushing down upon my head. I get sometimes a bit spiteful towards people I see in my every day life because of it. There are some spoiled housewives posting things like "OMG, I am doing a challenge to see how long I can go without grocery shopping because I know households waste so much food. It is so hard to go one week without grocery shopping." meanwhile I am sitting here staring at my cans of food and trying to figure out a novel way of cooking canned beans so that it tastes like something else. For me it is not a challenge and I don't want to praise them for some sort of strange poverty tourism. It's just grating because they are pretending to be more enlightened simply by living how poor people are forced to live all the time. It feels patronizing.

-I have become mildly obsessed with Good Omens. I read it ages ago and have loved it ever since. However there is a large amount of joy that Aziraphale and Crowley have given me over the past few weeks since there is a renewed interest thanks to the TV show. I had a lot of odd late night thoughts, like: I wonder if Aziraphale and Crowley have ever talked about what they witnessed in Heaven and Hell? Like it is Crowley’s first time back to Heaven in ages, I wonder if he has a critique of the decor. I wonder if Aziraphale saw some horrific things in Hell that he cannot get out of his head.

I realize it is far darker than the source material, but I wonder if they would feel haunted by their experiences outwitting God and Satan alike. I may write something on this eventually.

Also if you like character playlists, this one is really nice and classy: https://8tracks.com/undistinguishable-beat/to-the-world

-Yo! Those Marvel annoucements have me psyched! The Loki TV show and Hawkeye shows look amazing. I might be biased because I love the characters a lot and just want to see them get more love. (Yes even Loki. So many have either woobified him or stuck him purely in a villain role that I feel the great balance of the character sometimes gets lost). I kind of hope they make Clint Barton go deaf.

Also the Doctor Strange sequel being marketed as horror has me intrigued. I want to see him face Cthonic entities from beyond and see some madness with him and Scarlet Witch!

Valkyrie being a confirmed bisexual will be great if it is one casually. Hers (and to be honest Loki and Mystique's too, but I have given up hoping for those to be canon genderfluid and pansexual) sexuality is great because it is not the focal point of her character. She is a badass warrior and a troubled mercenary with an alcoholic past. Oh! And also she bangs dudes and chicks. It's an aspect of her character, not something to be played upon for pandering points. But if she is to pick someone from canon, let it be Captain Marvel.

Speaking of Mystique, having the X-Men part of the MCU will really make a lot of plot points complete. Finally, we can just call them mutants!

The only thing I am eh about is the Fantastic Four movie. Like they all have been meh and honestly no one gives a fuck about Reed Richards. He is an abusive dick. Let him lie in peace and ignore his damn ego.

Here is a creation mythos I just wrote:

The sisters were all born in the cosmic forges to two loving parents- the Sky and the Earth. Vechera was ever calm and reflective, taking to her books at a young age and not wanting to be disturbed from her studies. Utrena was kind, always doting upon her sisters and making sure that everyone was tended to. Aurora was brave, always defending the helpless when they were burdened and making sure her family was safe. Polunocha was observant, always watching the world around them and tackling any hard problem head on. Their family was very happy for a while.

However as even the gods are flawed, their flaws got the better of them. Utrena became sanctimonious, preaching to all and lording her healing over everybody. She treated every act of kindness as a debt that must be repaid. Aurora’s bravery turned to tyranny as she used her superior strength to get what she wanted, when she wanted it. Vechera lost all sense of what was right and wrong in the pursuit of knowledge. She made deals with demons and sold whatever of her mind that she could to gain as much knowledge as possible. Polunocha watched quietly as her sisters lost themselves, unable to stop them and unable to intercede. They all ruled the world together.

Naturally the Sky and the Earth were quite upset at seeing their daughters run rampant. They declared “If you shall not treat others with justice then you shall see each other no more. ” With that they rent the sisters from this plane, tossing them to the four corners of the sky.

Polunocha, seeing her family become corrupted and taken from her, fell into a deep depression. No force in the world could stop her rage as she tore the world asunder, mourning for the loss of her sisters. Great canyons were wound in the world as her screams echoed through the land. No sister took it well, but Vechera burying herself in her books deeply and Aurora running through training exercises obsessively were not nearly as devastating.

Utrena wept many tears for her sister, filling the canyons with great rivers of tears. She wanted to help her sisters as they were in pain, for their pain echoed in her heart as well, but they were trapped behind walls they could not bend. “Please Sky, Earth! We have learned our lessons! Have mercy upon us and have mercy on the mortals below! We were children who did not know any better and they do not deserve to die for our mistakes!”

Seeing the deaths and the pain on the populace as well as the tears in their daughter’s face, Sky and Earth were mollified. “We shall allow you to see each other, but only in balance. Your paths may cross, but you may not stay there. However we only grant you this mercy if you do not hurt the poor, kindly people who live below.”

The sisters each agreed in their turn. Utrena ran to Polunocha and embraced her. Below them the light of Utrena was masked by her sister’s hug. “Promise me you’ll never do that again!” Utrena beseeched her sister.

“As long as I can see your light, they shall not know my rage.” Polunocha promised.
To this day Sky and Earth have kept up their bargains and you can see the sisters dance their way across the sky. The dawn and dusk meet briefly before retreating. The sun and moon dance in their own planes, only to cross rarely. But what is time to a goddess?

Hello, hello friends. It has been quite some time. Let me get you up to speed on my life and the pile of chaos that it is.

So around December my laptop broke. Given my finances what they are, it took abut a month for me to gather the funds to get another computer. Hence me swearing to be back and then summarily disappearing off of the face of the internet. Life is chaos alas.

I used to work a summer job but they had me working 12 hour days. I found I was better off working shitty jobs than making a menial wage only for the summer. I have never before felt as much like a Rent character before when I left. The line that kept repeating in my head was "I need to finish my own script! I quit!" from "What You Own".

Which brings me to point three. I have been accepted for publication. I will be published for the first time in September. It is in an anthology, so it is not ideal, but it is still my first time getting published for my stories so it is a huge step forward. It gives me a base from which I can petition publishers and agents with my full novel later on with. It is a dark version of Sleeping Beauty that I am super psyched about. I am sure I will ramble to you all about it later in its own post after I catch up with your lovely lives.

I truly miss all of you and will be working my way through your journeys. Now that I have left 12 hours a day job I will actually be able to do that. That is a great burden off of my shoulders even as I begin the summer stress about money. It seems to be the eternal struggle of money vs art that I wish did not exist and seems utterly cliche and yet still does exist.

So anyway how are you guys?

I have just been so tired lately. I can barely focus on doing things. Update coming soon when I am not zombified.

Hello there. Still here. Still lurking. I have no internet at my home, haven't for a month or two, I will have internet as of next month. I will comment and give y'all more of an update then. Here is a clip of my life:

There are so many crickets in the house. I have killed over seventy of them with my frying pan. They have been my sole companions in this house for close to a month other than the music I play. It’s strange how the human desire to packbond works. Though I hate them and even feel anger by their presence here I also find them strangely endearing at times. They look kind of cute. One of them was just crawling across the floor and got so scared when I stood up that it flipped itself on its back several times before scuttling under a cabinet. I feel bad for them. I see them, hiding and running in fear from me every time they are crushed. I try to be merciful but there are times that I only get half of their body with the frying pan and they struggle with their tiny antennae and legs to try and hide from me and death.

There’s that. Then I am kept awake by their screams. They get loudest at 3-4 am when all the world around the house sounds like one giant scream without end. It is nightmarish on some days.

I can’t blame them for being afraid –as much as a cricket can feel fear. I am trying to kill them for if I don’t then they will lay eggs and there will be a sea of them. They are just running for their lives, hiding wherever they can. They are calling desperately out to each other and then when they make the bold move to try and find their friends and mates they get crushed in no-man’s land. One cry silenced, one cry unanswered. More are lost every day.

It makes me hope that aliens are more benevolent than us or at least that they have some plastic jars to carry us outside to where we won’t bother them and where we won’t have to die. After all, we too would be so small and scared – crying out to each other in the wake of foreign giants towering over us. Scrabbling with little legs as we tried to escape death.

So full confession internet. I am not a smart person, I am just really good at pretending. I say so many deep symbolic things, but the reason I say those smart things is because I like really dumb things.

Take for example the majestic cherry blossom. It is a beautiful flower, short lived but renowned for its beauty. They are special flowers because they are so vibrant and yet only last but two weeks before they fall down in a snow of flower petals. Even their death is beautiful as they float down, but the poignant thing is that their beauty is fleeting. It is destined to only last a short while no matter how much you cling to it, much like like.

You know the reason I know this?

I fucking listen to Fallout Boy and heard the song “Legends” and suddenly understood in a bolt of brilliant white understanding. Not the hundreds of years of literature or looking at fantastic paintings or being into Japanese culture for ten years. Fucking Fallout Boy.