I have just been so tired lately. I can barely focus on doing things. Update coming soon when I am not zombified.

Hello there. Still here. Still lurking. I have no internet at my home, haven't for a month or two, I will have internet as of next month. I will comment and give y'all more of an update then. Here is a clip of my life:

There are so many crickets in the house. I have killed over seventy of them with my frying pan. They have been my sole companions in this house for close to a month other than the music I play. It’s strange how the human desire to packbond works. Though I hate them and even feel anger by their presence here I also find them strangely endearing at times. They look kind of cute. One of them was just crawling across the floor and got so scared when I stood up that it flipped itself on its back several times before scuttling under a cabinet. I feel bad for them. I see them, hiding and running in fear from me every time they are crushed. I try to be merciful but there are times that I only get half of their body with the frying pan and they struggle with their tiny antennae and legs to try and hide from me and death.

There’s that. Then I am kept awake by their screams. They get loudest at 3-4 am when all the world around the house sounds like one giant scream without end. It is nightmarish on some days.

I can’t blame them for being afraid –as much as a cricket can feel fear. I am trying to kill them for if I don’t then they will lay eggs and there will be a sea of them. They are just running for their lives, hiding wherever they can. They are calling desperately out to each other and then when they make the bold move to try and find their friends and mates they get crushed in no-man’s land. One cry silenced, one cry unanswered. More are lost every day.

It makes me hope that aliens are more benevolent than us or at least that they have some plastic jars to carry us outside to where we won’t bother them and where we won’t have to die. After all, we too would be so small and scared – crying out to each other in the wake of foreign giants towering over us. Scrabbling with little legs as we tried to escape death.

So full confession internet. I am not a smart person, I am just really good at pretending. I say so many deep symbolic things, but the reason I say those smart things is because I like really dumb things.

Take for example the majestic cherry blossom. It is a beautiful flower, short lived but renowned for its beauty. They are special flowers because they are so vibrant and yet only last but two weeks before they fall down in a snow of flower petals. Even their death is beautiful as they float down, but the poignant thing is that their beauty is fleeting. It is destined to only last a short while no matter how much you cling to it, much like like.

You know the reason I know this?

I fucking listen to Fallout Boy and heard the song “Legends” and suddenly understood in a bolt of brilliant white understanding. Not the hundreds of years of literature or looking at fantastic paintings or being into Japanese culture for ten years. Fucking Fallout Boy.

1. What was the first fanfic you ever wrote?
Rurouni Kenshin, ages ago when I was heavy into anime. I think it was just a sword fight, but man did I think it was cool.

2. Is there anything you regret writing?
Not really. Nothing has been eyeburningly bad and it has helped me grow as a writer.

3. Name a fic you’ve written that you’re especially fond of & explain why you like it.
I really like "Like Madness" which is a Loki/Tony ,and Tony/Pepper fic. There is a porn aspect to it, but I also delve into PTSD and the trauma bonding of two broken souls.

4. What fic do you desperately need to rewrite or edit?
I'm pretty happy with what I have put out so far. It's not my best writing, but it does what it needs to

5. What’s your most popular fanfic?
Their Secret, which is a Steve/Bucky bit of porn I wrote as a gift for someone ages ago. Over 2000 people have read it.

6. How do you come up with your fanfic titles?
I just kind of blank and usually come up with something generic enough to work.

7. What do you hate more: Coming up with titles or writing summaries?
Titles. I am the worst at naming things.

8. If someone were to draw a piece of fanart for your story, which story would it be and what would the picture be of?
Honestly, I'd be honored no matter what they picked

9. Do you have a beta reader? Why/Why not?
Typically not for fanfic. I edit my own things and hope for the best. I never thought I was important enough for a beta reader.

10. What inspires you to write?
Books, movies, songs.

11. What’s the nicest thing someone has ever said about your writing?
That my characters felt real.

12. Do you listen to music when you write or does music inspire you? If so, which band or genre of
music does it for you?
It depends on the scene. I write what suits the scene.

Hey there.

I hope you new year is kinder to you than last year. I hope life gets better and that you can be strong enough to weather all of the little ills that will pop up. I hope you find a lot of things to be excited about and that you learn a lot. I hope you share some of that knowledge with me, because we are friends. I hope that the family or tribe that has your back is the one that you listen to, rather than letting all the little demons have their way. (It's okay if the demons win some times. I've got plenty of swords and words for them.) I hope you read some fascinating things. I hope you create something lovely. I hope we can continue to grow in a way that isn't bitter and twisted.

So here I am, full of hope, and hoping for the best. It's really all I can do right now.

1) When you die, what do you want done with your remains? I would like what can be used of my body used to help people. Bones, skin, eyes, whatever you can use to save people go do it. The remainder burn and scatter the ashes somewhere interesting. I honestly don't care. If my body cannot be used to save people, donate it to forensic science.
2) What is the weirdest thing you own? The list is far too long. Just next to my desk I have a deer skull, a hawk talon, and a strange root that was given to me three times before I accepted it and took it home. I collect strange things (though I suppose that depends on your definition of strange. I am assuming it means macabre.)
3) Have you ever played with a Ouija Board? No. Don't need to.
4) Do you believe in ghosts? Yep.
5) Have you ever had an encounter with things that go ‘bump in the night’? Too many to count. Not all are monsters.
6) Do you have a Deja Vu story? Just last week I ran through a staircase I swore I had before with my friends even though I know I hadn't.
7) Do you still trick-or-treat? Naw.
8) Have you ever had a black cat cross you, and have a streak of bad luck afterwards? No. I love their stupid little faces.
9) Least favorite thing about Halloween? The infantilization of it and the assumption that it is for children.
10) Favorite Serial Killer? Gotta go with Jack the Ripper for a classic.
11) Favorite thing to do in a Graveyard? Collecting their names and trying to figure out their stories.
12) Favorite Halloween Movie? Trick 'R Treat.
13) Favorite Ghost Story? I don't have one favorite, but the girl with the ribbon tied around her neck is a favorite from childhood.
14) Have you ever contacted a loved one from beyond the grave? Nah.
15) Your biggest fear? Paralysis
16) Favorite Pumpkin flavored food? Pumpkin cake.
17) Candy corn or Popcorn Balls? Candy corn. I really like it and popcorn balls taste too sweet.
18) Trick, or Treat? Treat.
19) Best halloween you ever had? Working a haunted house and terrifying people.
20) Do you go to Corn Mazes? I have.
21) Haunted Houses? I like working them more than going to them, generally, but I have gone to them.
22) Do you own any human remains that aren't your own? That's classified.
23) Have you ever smashed a pumpkin? Yeah. What else would you do with a bad one?
24) Do you like Apple Cider? Yes
25) Do you live near any ‘spooky’ places? There's spooky places everywhere you look
26) Do you ever get goosebumps? Doesn't everybody? I mean the cold does exist.
27) Have you ever seen a dead body apart from a funeral? Yes. Many times.
28) Have you ever broken into an abandoned house or building? Yep.
29) Do you believe in Vampires? (not sparkly ones, kids) Yep.
30) Your scariest memory? Being trapped with a screaming psychopath who is making death threats towards me and he just threw my keys into the woods to my car. There was a serious moment where I needed to contemplate if I needed to kill him to get away.
31) Ever heard white noise from a turned off tv or radio? Yeah. I hear the hum of electronics often. They scream something awful.
32) Weirdest Coincidence? Very few things I think are ever really conicidental.
33) Have you ever bobbed for apples? Yup!
34) Ever had your fortune told? Yeah. Plus I can tell my own.
35) Favorite skin disease? Leprosy.
36) Do you see figures in your Peripheral vision? Yeah, sometimes.
37) Have you ever seen someone die? Yep. Many times. (I studied forensics)
38) Have you ever caught something large on fire? Yep. Pallets.
39) Favorite ‘fictional’ bad guy or monster that you wish was real? Frankenstein's monster wouldn't be too bad. Generally I think monsters are not good in real life, but he might find acceptance in our modern age.
40) Do you believe in multiple dimensions or worlds? Sure do.
41) Ever held a Seance? Yep.
42) Ever made a potion of any sort? Define potion? I mean I have made herbal remedies.
43) Ever worn ‘funeral attire’ outside of a funeral? Ah, if you mean all black then yes.
44) Have you ever made a blood pact? Nope. Nothing that important yet.
45) Have you ever worked a spell? Yep.
46) Do you believe in curses? Yep.
47) Ever had an animal or pet see something that you cant? Yep.
48) Have you ever gotten lost in the woods at night. Yep.
49) Have you ever caught a photo of a ghost? Nope.
50) Have you ever played Bloody Mary? Naw. I tend to not tempt the fates.

Dear Penny Dreadful author,

I know you want your OTP to work out. Cool, that's part of why you read these things. But you don't need to make Victor Frankenstein into a sexual pervert who will try to rape Vanessa just to send her into the arms of Ethan. Victor is not the type to do that, also he still is really hung up on the only woman he ever loved- Lily. In addition Vanessa already had feeling for Ethan- you don't need to justify them getting together by her weeping into the arms of some big strong man because something terrible happened.

I love Vanessa and Ethan together. I also love Victor. You don't need to demonize one to make the other great.

-An irritated fan.

"However while these influences form the roots of the tree that is the religion within Middle-Earth, the tree itself is far more vast and beautiful and complex in its design, with branches in each direction away from the ground, obscured by the autumn leaves of critical interpretation that arises during the season of analyzing the novels. "

Whenever I feel bad about my writing, I just have to remember that this is an actual sentence I had to edit. Someone got way too carried away with the metaphor for a whole paragraph.

-I've been on a bit of a Hamilton kick lately. For those of you who haven't heard about it- it is a musical about the life of Alexander Hamilton. You would think it would sound ridiculous, but I really dig it and quite a few of their songs are empowering.

-Going to be doing a lot of sewing this year it looks like. Trying to build a Visas Marr and Asajj Ventress costume. Hey, nothing like going from 0 to 60 right? I'll probably start with Visas just because Asajj is so make-up intensive to play.

-Finally got my first assignment from the writing job. Let's hope I don't mess up too badly.

-It's Edgar Allen Poe's birthday today. So in his honor I present to you this passage from Tamerlane:
"In spring of life have ye ne’er dwelt

Some object of delight upon,

With steadfast eye, till ye have felt

The earth reel — and the vision gone?

And I have held to mem’ry’s eye

One object — and but one — until

Its very form hath pass’d me by,

But left its influence with me still."

Okay then so apparently this is what preoccupies my mind first thing in the morning. So let me talk for a bit about Persephone and Hades. I don't know where this whole fascination with them came of late, but it is definitely present. I keep seeing these adorable romantic pictures of them. While the pictures are adorable, I am not denying that, they keep annoying me on some level.

Here's the thing, Hades and Persephone's relationship is nowhere near romantic. The man literally appears out of a crack in the Earth and takes her by force while she is little more than a child. Even if you are going by the translations where she chose to run away with him you have to question the validity of a whimsical child choosing to run way with a man clearly depicted as being much older than she is. Everything about Prosperine, her being a goddess nonwithstanding, is depicted in a naive child-like manner. She spends her time gaily singing song and prancing among the flowers. No adult is depicted like this, merely nymph and other fairies. So yeah, even if she did consent she didn't quite know what she was getting herself into.

Then you see her behavior in the underworld. There is nothing about her behavior that remotely suggests that she is happy with her choice. (Hey, even if you pick your husband that doesn't mean you are happy with him.) Hades clearly wants to keep a hold of her, though it is unclear in the different versions if it is because of infatuation, power, or merely because she is the first living and truly beautiful thing that is forced to be with him. She on the other hand spends her time wandering about the underworld looking and searching and finding herself trapped her motions become more and more desperate. The longer she is there, the worse that she gets. Take her image in the tale of Orpheus, it is a cold, unsmiling woman who is only moved after he plays a song that reminds her of the love that she used to have. She still doesn't smile, nothing about her dances like she used to. She doesn't change death to make him more gentle, death makes the spring more grim.

Let us compare this to how she behaves with her second husband, Adonis. When she is with Adonis she seems truly happy and she hangs over him. She fought to have him when everybody else wanted to take him away, which is why she gets him for the part of the year where everything is the richest (summer). Never once did she fight to keep Hades, in fact in the entire battle for her future she seems very desperate to leave and in the end people other than her make the decision for her about what to do.

So let's just stop portraying them as this adorable, soft couple. I'm not saying you can't write your own interpretation and have it be adorable and soft and wonderful, power to you if you want to take on that challenge. All I am saying is that to claim that they are naturally that way is mythologically inaccurate. If you have heard other versions of the myths, let me know.